Saturday, July 23, 2005

Spinning Thoughts

This past week, and I'm sure weeks to come, have been very trying for me. I am becoming increasingly bored with my job. It is in no way fullfilling. Other than filling my bank account, it does absolutely nothing for me. I find myself getting angry to the point of explosion on a daily basis. The only problem is that I've got to supress, I can't just start lashing out on people. It's driving me crazy. Every day to me is like the movie "Groundhog Day". It's the same repetitive bullshit. I wake up, go to work, come home in a bad mode, and prepare for the same shit again the next day. Every day I think to myself "There's got to be something better. Maybe tomorrow I'll find it". And every day there I am doing the same thing as the previous day, thinking the same thoughts, and experiencing the rage inside flare up. I just need to go outside and scream at the top of my lungs until it's all out..........but then what? Let it all build up until I need to go outside and blow once more? Where are the answers? I'm not succeeding at going "inside" to find the answers. I'm not even sure what I'm looking for. What is one to do? This is the most human side of me. The insanity, that is. "Universe, I seek the truth. Give me the truth I need to get by in this life and to make the best of it." I'll do my best to be aware.......other than that, I'm at a loss. Where to go when nothing physical gives you happiness? Where to go when you seek the truth and everything just seems false? Where to go to escape the Human Side of Me?

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Ramblings of a mad man?

No matter what the event of the day, big or small, it seems to pass just like the rest of them. They all go quickly and seem never to look back. This makes me wonder if any day has ever really existed at all. What proof is there that yesterday really happened? We can see pictures or movies, but what does that mean? They can be thought up by the mind just the same as history. What is anything beyond the eyes, really? Do the eyes even actually see? Or, is this all an image we've created to go along with the plot we've written?

The recollection I have of yesterday is merely an image in my mind. A broken and distorted one at that. As days pass they begin to seem as if they never happened. Think back to memories of childhood. What happens? To me, I see those broken images, and remember "feelings" I may have had at the time. Actually, the feeling is stronger than the image. So what does that say for my memory? All I have to go by are these "feelings" that I think I can remember.

Another odd thing to think about........To me, when I look back on childhood, it doesn't even seem like it was me. It seems as if it was another person, I never existed at that time. But here I am now with these socalled "memories" of this person at that time. I can almost break "my" life down into segments and label each one as having been someone else. Maybe it's because we change so much over time, that it really was a different person. But what difference does that make if it was all created by my mind anyhow. And if any of this holds any ground at all, what's the point of it? What purpose does this all serve? Where is it going to get me? I tend to think my soul will benefit and progress to a higher level of consciousness. One far, far away from this peculiar place.

Well, hopefully I've stirred up some thought within the minds of somebody. I have to say that this is my mind every day. Day in and day out these sane thoughts go through my head. I ponder many things as I sit at my boring job. Sane Of sound mind; mentally healthy: I think all of my pondering is consequence of my awareness. Most of the world would think I need a psychaiatrist. But they couldn't be more wrong. in·san·i·ty Extreme foolishness; folly.
Something that is extremely foolish.
I think it's insanity to walk through your life never questioning a thing. Go to work, pay the bills, buy things, have kids, and die. How could one of sound mind do all that and never ponder their existence?

It may seem as if I strayed from my original topic, but I have not. I was displaying my thought process. One that is not normally accepted. It would seem sporatic and foolish. This was merely to show that our everyday lives are not to be accepted as reality. It's all false. And everything that "reality" would tell us is true, is false. History, pictures, video cameras, the bible, religion, politics, government. All of these are not real. They are meant to keep you from pondering truth. Why isn't this a topic on the evening news? Ha, because it just dosen't make sense. I'm done.......thank you

Monday, July 18, 2005


mo·not·o·ny n 1: the quality of wearisome constancy and lack of variety; "he had never grown accustomed to the monotony of his work"

I listed the definition for a reason. People use words every day not knowing what they really mean. There's something about reading the definition that gives life to the word itself. It allows you to understand it and feel the true intention behind using it. I look up words all the time. There are a lot of words we hear that we ourselves have given meaning to. Take con·se·quence for instance; Something that logically or naturally follows from an action or condition. The relation of a result to its cause. A logical conclusion or inference. Most relate consequence to be a bad result. re·sult To come about as a consequence. Consequence and result mean the same thing. They're actually in each others definitions. To most of us consequence=bad, and result=good.

Anyway, enough of the vocab class. My life has become so monotonous that I don't usually even remember most days because they're all the same. I worked 16 hours yesterday, doing the same thing over and over. I run a crane, and sit in a 5'x5' box. I left it once in that whole 16 hours. It's like being locked up in prison. How can a person take this for their whole life? This is the reason I've never kept a job for more than six months. This being the longest by far. And that's only because I have a family now, and I could never let them starve. But how does one break this cycle. If it were me alone, I'd say "fuck it", pack up my car, and hit the road. Find out where it takes me and continue until I find what I want. But, with a family I can't do that.

My goal is to one day get out of this ugly, industry stricken, smog filled place. The atmosphere around here makes people miserable. And I must say, most day it takes me down with it. I have high aspirations in life, and I'm attaining none of them fast. It might be easier if I knew what I wanted. Then I could set my sights and be off. I'm stuck in the "what came first, the chicken or the egg" scenario. Do I just go and search for my dream? Or do I find it first and then go?

I know that when I trust that things will work out, they somehow always do. But, not without a whole lot of worrying in between. And my wife is a hell of a lot more "down to earth" than I am. She'd never go for half of the plots and schemes I come up with. She like to know details before going into anything. And if it's not 100% sure, she is very hesitant. And that works for her, so I don't knock it. She gets by in life that way.

Is it a catch 22? Am I stuck with no hope? What path do I take from here? Do I drive by that fork in the road and go straight? Or do I follow one of those illusory paths? Do I accept the montony and continue on? I'm open to feedback. Let me know of your experience. I'd like to hear it.