Monday, July 18, 2005


mo·not·o·ny n 1: the quality of wearisome constancy and lack of variety; "he had never grown accustomed to the monotony of his work"

I listed the definition for a reason. People use words every day not knowing what they really mean. There's something about reading the definition that gives life to the word itself. It allows you to understand it and feel the true intention behind using it. I look up words all the time. There are a lot of words we hear that we ourselves have given meaning to. Take con·se·quence for instance; Something that logically or naturally follows from an action or condition. The relation of a result to its cause. A logical conclusion or inference. Most relate consequence to be a bad result. re·sult To come about as a consequence. Consequence and result mean the same thing. They're actually in each others definitions. To most of us consequence=bad, and result=good.

Anyway, enough of the vocab class. My life has become so monotonous that I don't usually even remember most days because they're all the same. I worked 16 hours yesterday, doing the same thing over and over. I run a crane, and sit in a 5'x5' box. I left it once in that whole 16 hours. It's like being locked up in prison. How can a person take this for their whole life? This is the reason I've never kept a job for more than six months. This being the longest by far. And that's only because I have a family now, and I could never let them starve. But how does one break this cycle. If it were me alone, I'd say "fuck it", pack up my car, and hit the road. Find out where it takes me and continue until I find what I want. But, with a family I can't do that.

My goal is to one day get out of this ugly, industry stricken, smog filled place. The atmosphere around here makes people miserable. And I must say, most day it takes me down with it. I have high aspirations in life, and I'm attaining none of them fast. It might be easier if I knew what I wanted. Then I could set my sights and be off. I'm stuck in the "what came first, the chicken or the egg" scenario. Do I just go and search for my dream? Or do I find it first and then go?

I know that when I trust that things will work out, they somehow always do. But, not without a whole lot of worrying in between. And my wife is a hell of a lot more "down to earth" than I am. She'd never go for half of the plots and schemes I come up with. She like to know details before going into anything. And if it's not 100% sure, she is very hesitant. And that works for her, so I don't knock it. She gets by in life that way.

Is it a catch 22? Am I stuck with no hope? What path do I take from here? Do I drive by that fork in the road and go straight? Or do I follow one of those illusory paths? Do I accept the montony and continue on? I'm open to feedback. Let me know of your experience. I'd like to hear it.


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