Friday, September 09, 2005


I get up in the morning and eat breakfast. While eating I flip between the news and the weather channel. After flipping among the two a few times, I get up, leaving the tv on just for some noise, and get ready to take a shower. After the shower I make some coffee and head outside for a smoke. While I smoke I think about the days boring events I have yet to experience, amongst other quick passing thoughts. Thoughts that I never embrace or act upon. I'm not exactly sure why. Now that I think about it those are usually the worthwhile thoughts worth retaining. At some point in the day I head to work. Always feeling like I'm in a rush although I'm never late. That 20 minute drive sucks. I either have the radio on just for some noise, or I sit in silence and entertain some other meaningless thoughts. Usually about some new plan that I've cooked up on how to make some money so that I can get out of the steel mill. Recently I've even spent time trying to figure out a way to beat the casino, though I know deep down that it's highly unlikely. The way I see it, though, is that I've got nothing to lose. If I happen to come across something that works, it will have been worth it. But I'm not holding my breath. At work I sit in silence yet again, this time for 8 hours or more. This is the one that really gets me. After about 3 hours I can't take it any more. As much of a loner as I am.........WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!? People were meant to have some sort of human contact. Ha ha, sometimes I even scream just to hear some noise other than the usual, loud sounds of the mill. Lately I've found myself so deep in thought that I forget what I was doing and halfway through a task start doing something else. Like going to load a truck I'll just keep going past the truck and put the load somewhere else. Usually easily played off once I catch myself. After work I may go for coffee either by myself or with a friend. If by myself, left alone with my thoughts again. If with a friend, the only difference is that I voice these thoughts aloud. If after work I decide to go home, I'll play with my son if he's awake, or watch tv with my wife. AND THAT'S MY LIFE!!!! Or some variation of it.

I'm sure you now understand my restlessness, irritability, and discontentedness. At times I feel as if there's nothing I can do about it. And others I feel that it's completely my own fault. And still others, I come up with a solution to my problem which I never follow through with, and that alone starts the whole cycle over again. The truth of the matter is that I'm unhappy with my life, and for a number of reasons. I have not yet come across my purpose for being. I'm not sure I currently want to be married. You know, sometimes I day dream. And I've built a life for myself within this day dream. A life that, when I dream of it, I'm happy with. I usally end up passing it off as a manic thought that is completely unreasonable. (At this point I'm sure you have come to the conclusion that I'm crazy, which sometimes I may agree with. However, I can't help but to think that somewhere out there is hope for me yet.)

In my heart I know that all of this is a dream. And if practiced, we can learn to control our dreams. At times I say "screw it. What's the worst that can happen." But does that mean that we throw caution to the wind because this is an illusion? The fact remains that I am stuck in this illusion. And within it I am seemingly responsible for certain things. Mainly my son. Here in the illusion I have to take care of him. And while I am trying to awaken, his reality is truly the same. Whether he knows it or not. How can I sacrafice his awakening for my own? I don't think that's reasonable. So the next question is "How do I keep his in consideration while trying to attain my own?". And if I look at it that way, I have to watch what I do with anyone, fore we all have the same awakening to experience. So I guess I can't throw caution to the wind. And this is what brings me to the conclusion that this was an unreasonable idea in the first place. And there is the end of the cycle, and the beginning of a new one.

I've said quite a bit, and I do apologize if some of my thoughts here are incomplete. I have the tendancy to write these things in the exact same manner that I think them. I often jump from one subject right into another leaving a vague link between the two. I don't even know why I write. Am I just looking to get it out? Am I looking for feedback? Am I looking for guidance from people I've never met? I do know the truth when I hear it, I can say that much. Does everyone on the path to awakening come to this same point? It would be a relief to know that I'm not the only one. I strongly believe that when one is ready the guide will appear. So where are you!?!?!? I'll continue to try and be aware so that when a guide comes along I'll be prepared to accept the guidance. Until then all I can do is be me. All I can do is continue in what feels like the same thing over and over and over. Kind of like the move Groundhogs Day, if you've ever seen it. Until next time.................


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