Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Fear No More

Fuck You!! Fuck rich people. Fuck the ruler of this country. Fuck the government. Fuck those people that think they're cooler than me. Fuck my parnets. Fuck my life. Piss on this shitty job. Fuck school. Fuck God. Fuck that English teacher. Fuck being poor. Fuck my shitty clothes. Fuck this town. Fuck all those people that think I'll amount to nothing. Fuck money. Fuck this house. Fuck that therapist. Fuck the cops. Fuck that dude that messes with me in Science class. Fuck religion. Fuck CNN. Fuck Me!!

Believe it or not, I was this angry at one point in time. I don't know how the hell I made it through that span of about 5 years without blowing my head off. I pondered it very deeply a few times, believe me. Something out there, for whatever reason, must have saw fit for me to stick it out. It sure was not my will to live. The drugs, the alcohol, the fights, the complete self destruction. But amidst all this, there was something deep down inside fighting to get out.

Somewhere between the time of that realization and now, I've lost it again. I have not fallen to the depths I once inhabited, but lost all the same. I'm struggling, I'll tell you that. My life has been run on fear. I have once again let the outside world dictate my life. I refuse to let this happen again. Somewhere out there is a path that I am meant to be on. And somehow I will find it. Maybe I look too hard and pass it everyday. Maybe it's right here in front of me. But lately, I can't see the forest for the trees. The glass is half empty, and draining. I need something big, something deep. I'm an all or nothing person. I feel that somehow I need a drastic change.

I have a theory. I don't think that it's possible to live a life of this world and progress on a spiritual path at the same time. I must be "in" this world, but not "of" it. At no time in my life when I was worried about money, or work, or anything else material was I contemplating a spiritual path. I think it's spiritualy and physically impossible. These do not mix. Like water and oil. I get so caught up in the fears of human life that my spirituality takes a back seat. I'm seeking something that will burn this "theory" into my memory, so that I'll never forget. I am ready for that teacher, but it never shows. I'm ready for the truth, but it eludes me. I'm ready to meet the real me, but it hides deep within me. I'm ready. Transform this anger into positivity. I'm such a negative person, it's hard to escape it. I'm known for my sarcasm and pecimism. People think it's funny, but I'm no longer liking it. 5 years ago it was a defense mechanism that I needed to survive. But I no longer need it. I'm ready to shed that worn out facad, and accept what's real. I have nothing to lose. I see others doing it, and as far as I'm concerned, I can only gain. I wish to walk that fearless path into reality. What do any of us really have to fear. No man can do anything to me that I didn't let him. No situation or circumstance can last unless I allow it. My human flaws can only get so far. It's the spirit inside that needs to live free. I care no longer what others think. There's nothing I can't do. There's nothing I can't create in my own life. It's all possible. Anything is possible. The path is unclear, and probably supposed to be that way. It's really not that important. It's neither here nor there in the grand scheme of things. Right now I walk a different path.