Sunday, September 18, 2005

Present Times Created by Past Lives

The yelling and screaming, pushing and shoving. I hate it why can't it just stop. I stand there crying with my sister crying harder. What the hell are we supposed to do? I kick and I punch, I throw things and I yell. My efforts seem futile..........

He comes running at me, swinging and yelling. A look of rage on his face that I've never seen before. We're in public, people all around are watching. But I don't give a fuck. "All you care about is your stupid wife", I said. That's what did it. Out of fear, I swing. Definitely not a calculated punch. He pushed me down, but I was able to run before he caught me. Until.........

"Before we leave on vacation I want you to be a man and apologize". Be a man? "I didn't do it. I never said it. "I'll apologize for the bad situation, but I'm not gonna apologize for something I never said." I didn't lie all the time. "I'm sorry for what happened, but I'm not sorry for something I didn't do." Why believe someone you didn't like in the first place? Maybe I was disliked even more? I'm not sure what her response was, it's kind of foggy. I can assure you, however, that it was one of complete disgust with the kid standing before her. It was then that the "chip on my shoulder" really got big..........

These are not things that a child is supposed to endure. I'd like to think that childhood should be care free and joyous. Yet, from the moment I came out of the womb I've been forced to be an adult. The one doing the yelling and screaming was my father. He was beating on my mom on the floor of our living room. They were both intoxicated I'm sure. I was trying to stop him. My efforts were nil, probably because I was only 6. I was 13 the time my man of a father made me apologize to the woman that made my life miserable. She treated her children with immense, yet false, love in front of us and treated us like shit. I wish I had really called her a cunt, it might have made it a bit more worth it. However, I did not. My father attracted women that hated us. He was such a man that he let them treat us like shit. I was usually the one that got the worst of it. Though I'd rather that than my sisters. And the time that I accidentally broke my fathers nose I was 15. The truth tends to make people angry. He still cannot understand how a kid could ever hit their parent. But for some reason he never touched me after that. Numerous beatings on the bare ass with a belt, amongst emotional whippings for 15 years would probably cause this type of reaction eventually. Those are only three instances. They do get worse.

I don't point this out for pitty. No "woe is me". I need to remember these things. My inherited anger sometimes gets the best of me and comes out. Keeping it in check is not an easy task, let me tell you. But I have a son now, and I want the best for him. I yelled at him today and he started to cry. He was afraid of me, or it seemed anyway. That's the worst feeling in the world. How could anyone arouse fear in a child like that over and over and live with themselves? Something I may never understand. I cried for a few minutes after I put my son to sleep. A feeling I never want to experience again. No need to beat a dead horse, what's done is done. All I can do is learn from the past, nothing more. I'll continue to learn to love myself so I can give it to others. And I'll definitely love my son no matter what! Till next time........


Blogger Another Point of You... said...

A very touching and inspiring post.

Thank You,

for Re-Membering.

For-getting the pearl within the oyster of Life's murkiness.

And For-Giving...

...back that which You have learnt.

The YOUniverse can only know & love Itself...through You.

And It does...

"In Lak'ech" ~ A Mayan Greeting meaning 'I AM Another You'.


10:26 PM  
Blogger Lady Broadoak said...

In my case, Mitayake Oyasin. I am another Yourself.

I know this pain. I know this joy of finding out you are human.

You are doing just wonderfully de-veloping into a beautiful person.

I was there when you cried after you yelled and I saw you were healed and now see more clearly. I admire your courage to go forward.

Thank you for writing to me!


11:33 PM  

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