A Jumping Off Point

I'm at a jumping off point. It's dark and I cannot see where I'll land. I could be leaping into a dark forest, but I can't see the trees. I could be springing to my death upon jagged rocks. I could be falling into a pit with no bottom in sight. I could be........

Life has brought me to a place where I can see who I am not, and what I have not become. Funny, one always looks to find out who they are. I found this thinking to be backward a few years ago. I was able to accept that I didn't know who I was, putting an end to a torturous existence. An unanswerable question, it was driving me mad. How can one ever define who they are? Each day we become a different person in some way, shape or form. Our thinking is a little different, our body changes. And we are not our story that lies in our wake. It's interesting to finally be able to detach one self from the words that we thought described us, and made us who we are. At this moment it is easier to accept that I don't know who I am as opposed to trying to be my past or a future that has not yet come.

I don't know what it is that I stand before. And to be honest, I don't care. I have given in to the caring of what is to come. I can only be who I am at this moment, and I can only live in the shoes which I stand in now. With each step I can just be. There is nothing to fear in walking into the dark if you see whatever may come as another chance to become a new person. Who ever would like to set out to become someone and be stuck as that image for the rest of their life? That would be a pretty bleak future, and unfortunately that is what is expected and acceptable to most of humanity. But I find solace in embracing the unknown. It will always be new and interesting to say the least.

Happiness Is......

Ah, its been a while. Not that I haven't written in a while, just that I haven't written here. It's odd really, we put so much time into these words we write only to post them and then forget about them. They are doomed to be lost in the abyss of endless words written by people such as myself. Do the words ever really end? Or do they just keep on coming from every corner of the Earth? Well, I guess some maintain their blogs better than others. I guess it would help if I didn't have nine or more. Anyhow.......

A quote from one of my favorite authors, just wanted to share it with someone, anyone who may be out there reading. "Unhappiness is the inability to accept what is."-Eckhart Tolle Couldn't tell you which book it came from or what page, but either way it's something worth remembering. I myself struggle with some out of this world unhappiness at times. I'd like to sit before you and give you reason upon reason for why this is so, but I cannot do right by myself or happiness in doing so. Happiness just is. Nothing can affect it. It doesn't matter what sorrowful event comes along or what strife a person may be going through, that happiness that had been experienced could not be tainted. It will always be what it was. And I would be doing myself an injustice to say that I didn't have control over my own happiness. That's almost as if saying I am not alive. Yes, there are many events in life that we have no control over, but the place in which our mind resides is absolutely up to us.

It's funny, I sometimes think I sit here writing for the benefit of some lost soul out there searching for some words that they may need to read. I write thinking that a person from time to time may stumble upon what I have written and say "Yes, that's what I needed to hear." The fact of the matter is, I write for my own sake. I write words that I need to read. I write the words in order to make a bit of sense from what is going on inside this mind of mine. Naturally, it is a little bit fulfilling to know what someone else is getting something out of the 20 minutes worth of work that I have put into this, but it doesn't make or break my satisfaction in having made if far enough to call it finished. Though it's the story of my life, and it is never reall finished. And on to another day I shall go.........

In A Cage

Restlessness stirs within
an unsettled mess, I feel condemned with no pen
And then the lion sets in
released of the cage from within
A rage I have no defense against
a cataclysmic event
With self-awareness comes a price
a small fee will not suffice
As a pendulum swings, my consciousness sees
that which is me, the nice and the mean
I mean, I stare at this screen needing to speak
but I can't find the words, my attempt looking bleak
Half-hearted and weak, it's a slump not a streak

To be finished at a later date.........

Ego or Spirit........Ego or Spirit.......Ego or........

Tough choices we have to make with every waking hour. At least for me, it's a daily struggle. I recently picked up another book in attempt to get back on track. Its been months since I've been inspired to do anything, let alone read. The more I read and find out about myself, spirit and ego, the more I learn some really interesting things. Actually, I'm not sure if it's interesting or devestating. Let me explain.

Ego is the side of me that wants money, fame, material things. Not that any of these things are bad, it's just that when I'm seeking these things I think of nothing else. Spirit side is the part that desires to read fulfilling things, and seek a higher level of understanding. That's where the conflict comes in. I almost feel as though I may lose something if I get rid of the ego side. I know deep within that living this spiritual path is what I want. But then it dawns on me, that a very big part of me likes what the ego has to offer. Quite frustrating when you think about it. Smoking is the perfect example. I don't exactly like it. It makes me feel like shit. But then the ego jumps in and tells me that I do enjoy it. What will I do when I'm drinking my coffee? Coffee without a smoke? That's just insane. Spirit says quite worrying about myself and seek to help others. Then the ego stomps on that and tells me how much "I" want things. I want this, I need that. What will I do? Blah blah blah. I hate it. I feel like the very few friends that I do have will cease to exist once I step on to that spiritual path. Which may be true, but the univerese has a way of providing what we need if we are doing right by others. Quite frustrating indeed.

I try to rationalize and find a middle ground. But there just isn't one. There is no gray area between Ego and Spirit. Dark and light. Nothing else can exist. The time is coming real soon where I must make a choice. Either live a selfish, self-involved life. Or get out of the way, do things for others, and live that path. I know which I want to choose, deep down inside. The question is, however, wiil I? Change is a scary thing. I'm not sure anyone likes it when they don't know the exact outcome. I guess that's where faith in Spirit must come in. Spirit and inspiration must guide me when I can't see through that darkness.

Today, right now, I am choosing to live that path. Let go of the self-driven Ego and take in and embrace my spirit, our spirit, the spirit of the one entity we all truly exist in. Living on an altruistic plane of existence is what I like to call it. I feel I'll be here more often writing about these things. Sharing it with any lonely soul seeking these words. If you need it, you've probably stumbled into it. And not by accident. Things come to us when were ready for them. The only thing left to wonder is will we be in that right place at that right time, aware enough to see the oportunity when it presents itself? I don't want to die wondering what could have been. Or what I may have done if. It's not going to happen. I'm choosing to dwell in this altrustic plane of existence. I'm willing to risk anything to regain some sanity as well as spiritual enlightenment. Today my Spirit is giving me no choice. Where do you stand? Are you seeking this too? I'm not going to die trying, but live doing. I'm done. Thankyou all so very much for your time, and if you're reading this, your willingness to let these words possibly be of some service to you.

Bow Out

I write therefore I am/I've created a front, my life is a sham/Wouldn't it be great if that was who I am?/I'm sure that's what some would want/I speak my mind, my feelings cast aside/You're just mad cause I stand undaunted/I'm haunted by these illusions/A "reality" that keeps the mind locked down and secluded/The truth has eluded me/But then I found it diluted by you/ I see, that which you hid from me in the first place/Lying to me since my first birthday/I ask about god, and you say "it doesn't matter, just go to curch on Sunday"/Go to confession and pray to the deception and you should be good till you walk back out that doorway/So now here I am, confused and full of questions/Am I born to lose or is this just a lesson/Take a deep breathe, umm............/I'm guessin I'm messed up, noone seems to have answers/I throw my hands up, I'm tattered and torn/Worn from the limitation of the human form/Feelin like I shoulda been forwearned of this life unadorned/Are you bored? Good, cause so am I/Tired of wonderin why I needed your society to survive/I might have been better left to the wild/Harsh? Na, this is keepin it mild/What I've written is just the beginning, you have yet to see the middle and ending/So I'm sending a farewell for a minute/Don't forget live the moment, you're in it/I'm finished

I'M AT A LOSS FOR WORDS!!

Fear No More

Fuck You!! Fuck rich people. Fuck the ruler of this country. Fuck the government. Fuck those people that think they're cooler than me. Fuck my parnets. Fuck my life. Piss on this shitty job. Fuck school. Fuck God. Fuck that English teacher. Fuck being poor. Fuck my shitty clothes. Fuck this town. Fuck all those people that think I'll amount to nothing. Fuck money. Fuck this house. Fuck that therapist. Fuck the cops. Fuck that dude that messes with me in Science class. Fuck religion. Fuck CNN. Fuck Me!!

Believe it or not, I was this angry at one point in time. I don't know how the hell I made it through that span of about 5 years without blowing my head off. I pondered it very deeply a few times, believe me. Something out there, for whatever reason, must have saw fit for me to stick it out. It sure was not my will to live. The drugs, the alcohol, the fights, the complete self destruction. But amidst all this, there was something deep down inside fighting to get out.

Somewhere between the time of that realization and now, I've lost it again. I have not fallen to the depths I once inhabited, but lost all the same. I'm struggling, I'll tell you that. My life has been run on fear. I have once again let the outside world dictate my life. I refuse to let this happen again. Somewhere out there is a path that I am meant to be on. And somehow I will find it. Maybe I look too hard and pass it everyday. Maybe it's right here in front of me. But lately, I can't see the forest for the trees. The glass is half empty, and draining. I need something big, something deep. I'm an all or nothing person. I feel that somehow I need a drastic change.

I have a theory. I don't think that it's possible to live a life of this world and progress on a spiritual path at the same time. I must be "in" this world, but not "of" it. At no time in my life when I was worried about money, or work, or anything else material was I contemplating a spiritual path. I think it's spiritualy and physically impossible. These do not mix. Like water and oil. I get so caught up in the fears of human life that my spirituality takes a back seat. I'm seeking something that will burn this "theory" into my memory, so that I'll never forget. I am ready for that teacher, but it never shows. I'm ready for the truth, but it eludes me. I'm ready to meet the real me, but it hides deep within me. I'm ready. Transform this anger into positivity. I'm such a negative person, it's hard to escape it. I'm known for my sarcasm and pecimism. People think it's funny, but I'm no longer liking it. 5 years ago it was a defense mechanism that I needed to survive. But I no longer need it. I'm ready to shed that worn out facad, and accept what's real. I have nothing to lose. I see others doing it, and as far as I'm concerned, I can only gain. I wish to walk that fearless path into reality. What do any of us really have to fear. No man can do anything to me that I didn't let him. No situation or circumstance can last unless I allow it. My human flaws can only get so far. It's the spirit inside that needs to live free. I care no longer what others think. There's nothing I can't do. There's nothing I can't create in my own life. It's all possible. Anything is possible. The path is unclear, and probably supposed to be that way. It's really not that important. It's neither here nor there in the grand scheme of things. Right now I walk a different path.